Delusions of Life
I've
always been aware of how set apart from others I was. Witnessing
everyone’s life and reflecting on my own, do I begin to realize I've
never really been alive nor led a real life. I find it extraordinarily
challenging to converse with people now. What can I say and how can I
relate to the stories they share, when I nothing to compare it to? I
look on in extreme jealously, envy, even anger and hatred, as all my
friends have wonderful happy relationships or marriages, even children,
yet I've never even had the opportunity to go on a single date. At least
not without the other party viewing me as either a pity case, or using
me in some measure to gain social or spiritual status.
Recently my body has begun to fail. Something as simple as a small fall which I would ordinarily shrug off has begun to do permanent or debilitation damage. With each injury and each delay the dreams that I set for myself as goals, have digressed to being just what they once were dreams. I feel as though my soul or my essence is trapped and yearning to burst from its imprisonment of the wretched shattered husk that is my body. I wake up daily and have done so for years, questioning if today will be the day that I release myself from this imprisoned misery and allow my soul, my essence to soar to new heights and see all the sights I always wished I could.
The only thing that has delayed or prevented such actions is the effect it will have on those around me. We lose people all the time in our lives, from family members, to friends, to lovers, it is a consequence of living. It is logical to assume that a life with no experience or worthwhile ability would in any sense be recognized, considered or remembered after it is gone.
You may say that the effect of my decision be it to free myself or simply to disappear would devastate those who cared. Why? We hurt and recognize loss as just that, loss. We often only really acknowledge something once it is gone. Over time even the insurmountable pain of that loss can heal IF it has other things to buffer it (a wedding, a future career goal, a child, a house, or a travel plan.) You may argue why do I not apply that to my own life? It's not that simple.
Daily I am reminded of how difficult things are, how much more challenging they are becoming, of how alone I am and have been, of how sub-human my existence feels and how outside of time my existence really is. It is not something that a goal short or long term can redirect or ease the pain of, at least not anymore. To block out these discomforts and realizations I bury myself into a video game, a book, a song, anything to escape the harshness of an ever present and ever broken life.
In my dreams I am almost always happy. I can remember having abilities, connections, and even in one dream, a wife. These were all such happy moments that I hated the realization that they were only my minds attempts to synchronize with my soul. Waking up is the most challenging daily task. I wish to sleep and to drift in a dream of endless bliss. Courage that I lack is the only thing holding me back. Which ultimately relates again to my being so absolutely incapable and continues to bring me to a degree of pain akin to that of Dante battling through the rings of the inferno.
Why is it that people always say I have potential or that I am a good person? Defining potential is monumental to making or breaking my state of mind. To classify it as just “You could do this, but you aren't” is redundant. I understand better than you what my limitations are. This potential is nothing but carefully presented charisma and a moderate intelligence. I've yet to see any useful or significant ways in which I've personally as an individual effected anyone’s life.
Time will tell what happens to me. I know without any doubt that those care about me will accept whatever I chose to do. If they don't then they either don't care, or see it as an excuse to convince themselves of the reality of the fact that they never really could emphasize with what my life is really like,
Recently my body has begun to fail. Something as simple as a small fall which I would ordinarily shrug off has begun to do permanent or debilitation damage. With each injury and each delay the dreams that I set for myself as goals, have digressed to being just what they once were dreams. I feel as though my soul or my essence is trapped and yearning to burst from its imprisonment of the wretched shattered husk that is my body. I wake up daily and have done so for years, questioning if today will be the day that I release myself from this imprisoned misery and allow my soul, my essence to soar to new heights and see all the sights I always wished I could.
The only thing that has delayed or prevented such actions is the effect it will have on those around me. We lose people all the time in our lives, from family members, to friends, to lovers, it is a consequence of living. It is logical to assume that a life with no experience or worthwhile ability would in any sense be recognized, considered or remembered after it is gone.
You may say that the effect of my decision be it to free myself or simply to disappear would devastate those who cared. Why? We hurt and recognize loss as just that, loss. We often only really acknowledge something once it is gone. Over time even the insurmountable pain of that loss can heal IF it has other things to buffer it (a wedding, a future career goal, a child, a house, or a travel plan.) You may argue why do I not apply that to my own life? It's not that simple.
Daily I am reminded of how difficult things are, how much more challenging they are becoming, of how alone I am and have been, of how sub-human my existence feels and how outside of time my existence really is. It is not something that a goal short or long term can redirect or ease the pain of, at least not anymore. To block out these discomforts and realizations I bury myself into a video game, a book, a song, anything to escape the harshness of an ever present and ever broken life.
In my dreams I am almost always happy. I can remember having abilities, connections, and even in one dream, a wife. These were all such happy moments that I hated the realization that they were only my minds attempts to synchronize with my soul. Waking up is the most challenging daily task. I wish to sleep and to drift in a dream of endless bliss. Courage that I lack is the only thing holding me back. Which ultimately relates again to my being so absolutely incapable and continues to bring me to a degree of pain akin to that of Dante battling through the rings of the inferno.
Why is it that people always say I have potential or that I am a good person? Defining potential is monumental to making or breaking my state of mind. To classify it as just “You could do this, but you aren't” is redundant. I understand better than you what my limitations are. This potential is nothing but carefully presented charisma and a moderate intelligence. I've yet to see any useful or significant ways in which I've personally as an individual effected anyone’s life.
Time will tell what happens to me. I know without any doubt that those care about me will accept whatever I chose to do. If they don't then they either don't care, or see it as an excuse to convince themselves of the reality of the fact that they never really could emphasize with what my life is really like,
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