Friends

I wrote this in under five minutes on a random impulse.

Friends

Aristotle once said that friends are a single soul dwelling in multiple bodies. Would this then mean that our souls have infinitely expanded throughout the duration of our lives? When we meet a person or converse with someone, we are in a sense creating a bond with that individual. That bond in a remote and vague sense could be seen as a form of friendship. This would then imply that for each person we meet and get to know, our soul has thus entered their lives, and theirs in turn has entered ours.

It is not so difficult to think of this as a possibility. In each day we converse with others in a variety of ways. Our words whether written or spoken are designed to be shared with those around us. Through those words we begin the steps to building connections and bonds with those around us. Thanks in part to the use of social media and forums it has never been easier to connect with others.

Often times I have found myself fondly remembering a casual conversation with a random stranger that for some reason or another stuck with me throughout the years. In reflecting on this I do realize that those people most likely and hopefully remember me in a positive way. Thus my soul continues to expand.

As those people in turn share my stories or jokes with others, I also share theirs. This begins a new if somewhat distant connection. I like to believe that through all the connections we share and the memories we’ve formed through others whether we directly initiated them or not, help us see that despite our thoughts or how we may see our lives, we are never truly alone nor without friends.

Delusions of Life

This is an article I wrote a year ago that I put a lot of thought into so I figured I'd share it. Just to forewarn you, I am NOT depressed like you may think by reading this, nor am I suicidal or anything, this was just a way to vent or release my feelings into a constructive form.

Delusions of Life

I've always been aware of how set apart from others I was. Witnessing everyone’s life and reflecting on my own, do I begin to realize I've never really been alive nor led a real life. I find it extraordinarily challenging to converse with people now. What can I say and how can I relate to the stories they share, when I nothing to compare it to? I look on in extreme jealously, envy, even anger and hatred, as all my friends have wonderful happy relationships or marriages, even children, yet I've never even had the opportunity to go on a single date. At least not without the other party viewing me as either a pity case, or using me in some measure to gain social or spiritual status.

Recently my body has begun to fail. Something as simple as a small fall which I would ordinarily shrug off has begun to do permanent or debilitation damage. With each injury and each delay the dreams that I set for myself as goals, have digressed to being just what they once were dreams. I feel as though my soul or my essence is trapped and yearning to burst from its imprisonment of the wretched shattered husk that is my body. I wake up daily and have done so for years, questioning if today will be the day that I release myself from this imprisoned misery and allow my soul, my essence to soar to new heights and see all the sights I always wished I could.
The only thing that has delayed or prevented such actions is the effect it will have on those around me. We lose people all the time in our lives, from family members, to friends, to lovers, it is a consequence of living. It is logical to assume that a life with no experience or worthwhile ability would in any sense be recognized, considered or remembered after it is gone.

You may say that the effect of my decision be it to free myself or simply to disappear would devastate those who cared. Why? We hurt and recognize loss as just that, loss. We often only really acknowledge something once it is gone. Over time even the insurmountable pain of that loss can heal IF it has other things to buffer it (a wedding, a future career goal, a child, a house, or a travel plan.) You may argue why do I not apply that to my own life? It's not that simple.

Daily I am reminded of how difficult things are, how much more challenging they are becoming, of how alone I am and have been, of how sub-human my existence feels and how outside of time my existence really is. It is not something that a goal short or long term can redirect or ease the pain of, at least not anymore. To block out these discomforts and realizations I bury myself into a video game, a book, a song, anything to escape the harshness of an ever present and ever broken life.

In my dreams I am almost always happy. I can remember having abilities, connections, and even in one dream, a wife. These were all such happy moments that I hated the realization that they were only my minds attempts to synchronize with my soul. Waking up is the most challenging daily task. I wish to sleep and to drift in a dream of endless bliss. Courage that I lack is the only thing holding me back. Which ultimately relates again to my being so absolutely incapable and continues to bring me to a degree of pain akin to that of Dante battling through the rings of the inferno.

Why is it that people always say I have potential or that I am a good person? Defining potential is monumental to making or breaking my state of mind. To classify it as just “You could do this, but you aren't” is redundant. I understand better than you what my limitations are. This potential is nothing but carefully presented charisma and a moderate intelligence. I've yet to see any useful or significant ways in which I've personally as an individual effected anyone’s life.

Time will tell what happens to me. I know without any doubt that those care about me will accept whatever I chose to do. If they don't then they either don't care, or see it as an excuse to convince themselves of the reality of the fact that they never really could emphasize with what my life is really like,

How I died.

The rain was coming down in torrents as I darted past the brightly lit neon signs and ducked into the alleyway. I was scared, terrified. I was being hunted. I didn't know why, only that I was going to be killed. Ahead of me were these large treatment pipes crisscrossing in an intricate pattern leading upwards towards a nearby rooftop. I climbed as quickly as I could up one pipe and shimmied onto another before he landed directly in front of me. At least I think it was a he, considering that they were wearing a weird kabuki mask and intricate kimono it was hard to discern gender.  I squared my shoulder and opened my mouth to yell something defiant. An it hit me, no matter what I did or what I said this person was going to kill me. I was going to die. That thought struck me like a thunder bolt. I raised my arms and then with a weary sigh and tears beginning to blur my vision asked quietly. "Will it hurt?" The figure paused and then slowly as if acknowledging my fear and my pain, but unable not to complete the task before them nodded. I wept openly afraid as they stepped towards me a silver glint catching my eye as they withdrew a twisted nail from their sleeve. With drew motions they twirled the object from one hand to the other, snapping their fingers to cause my gaze to slide to the right, as a spear of light drove forward heralding darkness evermore.

Grateful challenge

I was recently selected by a good friend to do the Facebook grateful challenge. Upon consideration I had to withdraw from the challenge simply due to the fact that I'm grateful to myself for having the strength to do what I need or feel like each day and my friends that have enabled me to participate in amazing sports or adventures. However, in no way am I grateful to a divine being. Why? Simple, there exists no such thing as a God. all gods are and have always been a product of mankind. Whether to enslave or subjugate "gods" are merely man made constructs to control the masses. So how and why exactly should I feel grateful for that?

History is ripe with information on how we evolved and came to be. None of this is supported in any Biblical text to date. In fact HUGE portions of events which are key to religion are as we've discovered complete fables. Such as the Garden of Eden, Moses, the Jewish living as slaves  in Egypt all of it is a myth centered around how we understood and labeled things in the old world.  

That being said I concede that being grateful for the friends and joys I have is in itself a good thing. So I suppose on one hand I did complete the challenge if in an unusual way.

Life and it's lessons

I can easily recall so many moments of my life where I wish I had listened to others advice when they initially offered it to me. However, like most young, rash and arrogant individuals I seldom did. Only after the fact when the realization of what could have been or I could have done had passed me by did I stop and realize how much I'd missed out on by not acknowledging the advice of others when it was constructive and worthwhile.

The advice or lessons could be about anything. Whether it was due to a relationship that others had viewed as flawed but in my desire and hopes couldn't see at the time, or simple advice on how to manage things better.

The age old phrase "could've would've, should've" is often quite appropriate. Lamenting over time I'd wasted and relationship that had torn my soul an what remained of my hope and love for people to absolute shreds do I only now begin to realize, I am grateful.  Were it not for those people or those situations, I would not have matured to become who I am today or see the world as I needed to see it.

I now carefully and with great caution select my friends, and those allow into my life. The instant someone tries to change me in accordance with how they feel I should be, I drop that relationship as abruptly as a diabetic drops sugar.  

Learning from my mistakes and situations have as I stated enabled me to grow as an individual. Who's to say that without these trials and learning experiences (mostly of being "friend-zoned" by girls or being taken advantage of in general.) I would even be remotely as level headed and friendly as I am today.

I'll continue this later.

A Vampire in Innsmouth

This is my take on a World of Darkness and Cthulhu style crossover. All respected copyrights are given to the creators and this solely written for entertainment and not for profit of any kind. 

Prologue:

With a blinding flash and a sharp crack that heralded the roar of the thunderous clouds above; the rain began to fall in sheets down on the streets below. The small quaint looking house sat apart from all those on the block. It's paint showing the years of neglect in large flaky patches. The awning overlooking the porch hung low with holes lining its once pristine surface. Due to the heavy rainfall, the streets were empty and silent in the late hours of the night.The interior of the house was as pitch as the night outside seeming to be unoccupied.

With a startling intensity a loud shrill old fashioned phone began to ring from within the darkened interior. The phone was answered on the third trill of the headset.
"Yes?" The voice that answered sounding deep yet smooth and with a seemingly relaxed tone.
"Um, sir, I, that is we've found it sir." A panicked squeaky timid voice answered on the other end.

A smile crossed the features of the man who had answered and in the darkness of the office his eyes seemed to glow a dark red and he received further information, seeming to memorize everything with apparent ease. Without delay he hung up the phone, grabbed a jacket off a nearby coat rack and exited the house heading out into the storm raging night.

I was going to make this the end of the prologue. Any ideas or suggestions whether or not I should include more are most welcome.

Chapter 1: For a Friend

St Louis, March 12, 1936
 

Recognizing those we cherish and value

I recently wrote a letter to a dear friend whom I have known my entire life. Though not bound by blood ties, he is without a doubt a brother to me. Through his support and unwavering help I have gotten to experience things that would otherwise have been impossible for me. It made me think upon and reflect how we usually only acknowledge or recognize someone's value after they've passed on. Kind of strange don't you think? That we wait until someone has passed to say how wonderful, helpful, or joyful they were in our lives. I want you my reader to take a second and step back and think who do you truly feel grateful to in your life right now? How often do you express or think of that person? Have you ever actually written to them or told how grateful you were? Studies show that the more gratitude we show others, the greater our overall happiness.

I can only reflect on those people that have passed whom I failed to acknowledge or at least thank appropriately for the lessons they taught me. Clearly one could consider my dad such an example. My memories of my childhood are fragmented. I remember good times, and horrible times. Being around a drunken abusive violent father figure tends to force one to grow sooner than others. However, in spite of my dads addictions and at times violence, I learned much from him, and owe who I am to the lessons he's taught me.

It's only years after he's passed that I understand just how much I failed to thank him for. Despite the hardships and abuse, I am who I am because of the trials and struggles I endured. I actually considered once if I could have been born on my due date (August 21) and had no disability whatsoever, would I still be me? It raises the questions, of how do you define identity? Despite my disability and despite the turmoil of my upbringing are these things that define who I am as an individual or they just abstract parts of my identity?

If I was given the choice to be free of my disability for one day, would I accept it and how would that change me. This is unique in itself. I am defined by the actions and struggles I've taken over my life. Both the good and the bad, the heartbreaking, and the heart warming aspects that make me who I am are unique in that no matter my physicality or situation they can never be replicated. No two people or experiences are exactly alike. 

I  only hope that as the years progress I continue to find some measure of self-worth and strength from within. Though I may not compare to my friends in the areas of physicality or even relationships, I still am who I am and only can offer what I have. Here's hoping I get to shine through the duration of my time.

What is talent?

Throughout our lives we meet a vast amount of people. Each of these people have their own unique talents.  In most instances rarely, if ever, do we get to see or know how that person is talented, and often ask ourselves how am I talented? What is unique about me that I can do well? What is it that helps people think of or remember me?

I know many talented people from gymnasts to artists. Yet not once have I ever attained an awareness of having my own talents. I struggled for years to gain the ability to walk, to function and thrive as I do. While in it's own way it is impressive, it certainly isn't a unique and gifted talent. One must consider that our talents can show how we are special from others. Most people look at me and because I am disabled automatically see me a special though often not in a kind or positive light.

I am in awe of people who have such gifts as singing and writing that literally can reach out and touch people and in even the smallest way brighten another life. What makes us unique as person is defined by what abilities and interactions that we have and leave behind. On some level I have a unique compulsion to talk and interact with others. This interactions has introduced me to people of wealth, influence and fame.

I started this blog at the encouragement of my friend Jay Finn who himself is a writer.  Through Jay's advice and encouragement I've begun to try and find my own talents in writing.  As he said to me, it's simply about writing every day, one line at a time. It's interesting to note that despite our income or where we are from or what we do, that most often, we forget the simple fact that we are all human beings.

Though I struggle daily with self-doubt and the occasional thoughts that I have amounted to and will achieve nothing in my life. I'm fortunate to have stumbled across such individuals as Jay Finn, and the Youtube star Tiffany Alvord, whom I follow on Twitter and Facebook, and who often posts very uplifting and encouraging quotes. Several times I have found myself smiling upon reading her encouraging words for that day or time. Thus I had entered a day in that much brighter of a frame of mind. It also made me realize that in our darkest times we sometimes need a boost to see the light that this world offers us.

I'm glad I've found such individuals with such unique perspectives and talents that can offer me such helpful guidance, even if it's just in their nature to be positive. Through these individuals I have begun to find my own inner strength and balance to strive for what I could become proficient and capable of doing in my own life. Only time will tell what impact I will have on those that know me. Here's to hoping it's as grand as I wish it to be. :)

A dream of just how powerful evil can become....

With heavy ragged breaths Heath lumbered over the skeletons lining the marbled hallway of the tower. Blood ran in rivulets down his scarred and jagged face. One eye closed tightly shut as blood freely flowed from underneath the lid. His remaining eye stared with a fierce determination at the nearing archway.

It had been decades for him to find the murderous bastard that his slain his men so coldly and dispassionately. The warlock had torn through his band of mercenaries in the dead night, harvesting their organs and blood for his foul magics. Leaving Heath alive as though tormenting him through the loss kindled some perverse desire to have him wallow in his agony, the warlock had vanished just as quickly as he had arrived. It had taken years to learn his name Salthas the Dreaded. Legends of the man if indeed he was one spawned centuries. Though powerful magic fueled his unnatural life Heath was certain his blessed blade Shadowsbane could end his twisted, demonic life.

With one agonizing step after another Heath drew closer to the archway of the spiraled staircase which lead towards the towers study here his foe waited. Finally as he approached the archway the shadows seemed to condense and take shape. Morphing together several feet before him in a giant mass the shadows coalesced into the tall yet thin and seemingly frail form of Salthas.

“You should not have come warrior, you'll only end up becoming mine as your friends have before you.” His voice was a low death-like rasp and beneath the shrouded black cowl of his robe his eyes gleamed a fierce orange reminding Heath of a raging inferno. Heath lunged forward drawing the claymore in one massive hand as he swung with all his strength, intending to complete the forward lunge and bisect his opponent before he could utter the words to a spell.

With barely a motion Salthas held out his hand palm up and a tiny egg sized ball of flame materialized an inch above the upturned palm. Waves of heat and dry air blasted Heath back one step. Horror dawned on Heath's face as he realized his blow wouldn't connect solidly, his sword blade flailing inches before his foe's grinning death-like face.

With a victorious cackle and this eyes flashing with delight Salthas poured a fraction of his power through the ball of flame in his palm. Heath screamed one final time in failure and in dismay as the radiating, rippling, skin searing heating washed over him. Forgive me my friends, I tried. I shall see you soon. Were his final thoughts as flames overtook his form and encompassed the entirety of the hallway spilling forth to consume the entirety of the tower in a torrent of flames that could be witness in the night sky for miles.

An idea for a story

I had a very interesting and unique dream the other day. It was in the future. Mankind had united and finally developed a peace of sorts. However there still existed a common problem of the world being vastly overpopulated. When the world began to die, miraculously and quite coincidentally a planetoid appeared that had an enough space to harbor ten times the Earth's population. Over time humanity migrated, and colonized the planetoid mining and cultivating it's resources to finance society as a whole. The planetoid was named Serendipity. Alas humanity in it's ignorance failed to understand or care how and why it seemingly appeared when it did. Or what secrets it might contained buried within.

The central characters are Kelvin and Tasha who work in the 4th district mining complex and unfortunately discover the ultimate secret regarding Serendipity. Several other things happened in this dream but I won't say what it was just yet. Who thinks I should I write this out as a story? Let me know any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

The trials of a broken shell

People often think that being a disabled adult is a luxury. I mean hell, why wouldn't it be? You get government income if you're not able to work and Medicaid or "Medi-Cal" for doctors appointments and other medical expenses. However, the truth is, it's like an infant being given just a taste of a nipple for milk and never actually given enough to fill their bellies. It's incredible to notice that just cause I'm "different" I'm somehow mentally retarded or deaf to where people need to come up to me and speak as if I were a toddler. Wow, just...wow.  Regarding the "plush" lifestyle: I can only accrue so much money or assets before I'm fined and have time limits on when and where I can apply for housing. If I fail either of these I'm fined again and have to go back on a four year waiting list.

How the hell is that a life of luxury? Most of the income I receive has to go towards rent, the rest, to my medical bills and student loans which total tens of thousands of dollars. I barely have enough money to go out with friends or even buy my own food as needed. Then I constantly have to consider "what ifs." What if my scooter broke and I needed to buy a new one? Sucks to be me in that case.

Truthfully I wish I could be better, have more, have done better and made better choices in my life. Alas I failed where I should have succeeded and now may never achieve the goals or dreams I had set for myself. Still I try and persevere despite these challenges and set backs. Still I strive and hope to reach those dreams and goals which mean so much to me.

I think I'll end my first blog here and see what others may think.